Column features county sheriff

Laughs with a Lawman

I suspect that the bestread column in The Fairfield Recorder, a weekly newspaper in East Texas, is Sheriff Ralph Billings’ report on criminal activity in Freestone County.

When the local 911 dispatcher received a call from a young caller, she told her that her five-yearold brother had shot their Dad with a BB gun, killed him “graveyard dead,” and had buried the father in the back yard. The caller wanted someone to come to the home, arrest the five-yearold and dig up Dad.

The 911 dispatcher finally located the boys’ mother and found that Dad didn’t even live in Texas, and there was no homicide.

Billings reported that seven dead hogs were found on U.S. Highway 84 between the Country Club and the Boyd prison unit. He said a Texas Department of Transportation employee was enroute “to perform graveside services.”

Billings also wrote that a young lady reported that her ex-boyfriend called her and wanted to come over. She explained she had company. The ex boyfriend broke her window and fled on his bicycle.

In another report, Billings commented that Oakwood had a goat problem, but noted that it had been alleviated when six or seven goats were found loose in the downtown area and had been arrested by the chief of police.

In the community of Wortham, a driver took a spin around the local nursing home, ended up crashing through a fence, and was apprehended by the Wortham police department. The man, it turned out, was wanted on a parole violation from Austin.

A police officer told 911 he was trying to pull over a woman motorist, but she said she would pull over only when she got to a street light at Streetman. Stopped by another policemen, the womon said she would pull over when she got to a service station. “Heard no more on this,” wrote Billings, “and assumed she eventually stopped somewhere . . . further assume it was where she wanted to.”

Billings also reported that a lady from Wortham said a possum had gotten into her deep freeze, and wanted to know what to do. Billings advised her to “keep him cold, serve him with potatoes and carrots and onions, cook him at 325 degrees, and serve with cornbread on the side and Blue Bell for dessert.”

(Bob Bowman of Lufkin is the author of more than 40 books about East Texas. He can be reached at bob-bowman.com)